Bestill your racing hearts, folks. I'm really going to do it. Today, I'm going to teach you my secret recipe that I've perfected over the years. It is a nice balance between throwing together pre-made stuff and making it full-on from scratch. People who know me go crazy over this dip, especially my husband. But, it is really cheesy and I don't want his heart to explode, so I only mix up a batch a few times a year. It's better than anything you've ever gotten at a restaurant, grocery store, or deli. Fair warning, though--it's going to take a while, so settle in, strap on, and get ready for one hell of a ride.