How to Cut a Watermelon

Summer is upon us, which means cookouts and watermelons! But how the hell can one easily cut a watermelon? Some people just say fuck it and they put out huge, monster-sized slices of watermelon that are bigger than your face. And while that's cute for photos, it's really just an awful way to eat a watermelon. The juice gets all over your face, maybe in your hair, and it drips on your clothes. No one wants to be sticky, right?

I suppose I could think of worse ways, though. You could melon-ball it, thereby bruising it, ruining it's texture, wasting a whole bunch of it, and making it go bad much faster. You could hack at it with a machete, flinging juice and various-sized chunks around the room. You could face-plant into a watermelon half and eat it without using your hands. Sounds kinda fun, actually, but I don't think anyone wants a watermelon seed in their eye.

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